Captain’s log (Entry 3, Day 133)
It’s been 129 days since my last entry and things aren’t going well. I was stable for a while, riding out my desires and ignoring them while I tried to do things I thought would be beneficial to my overall self.
It felt good to be in control, doing things I normally didn’t have all the dedication to do. I studied random things, like astronomy, I studied harder in my classes and I was doing very well academically. I worked out 3 times a week, and was feeling relatively healthy. Things turned sour when I turned in a project for my logic board design class a day late. I then needed to work extra hard if I wanted to catch up with the rest of the class and do well in my three other classes: calculus 2, C++, and discrete mathematics. I spent nights working to achieve what was expected to be the standard of work for all classes, and I felt exhausted and stressed. At some point I guess I cracked and set my effort levels to slightly above low. I stopped going to the gym, I played video games again, pleasured myself (sorry for getting too into detail, but hey, that’s what the blog was about before), and rode out my classes for the time being. I didn’t quit my classes. I attended, I studied, I got good to okay grades, but I knew I wasn’t putting my best foot in to something I told the world I was going to specialize in. That didn’t feel so good.
I was aware of what was happening and I needed help desperately, so I purchased two audio books in an effort that they’d give me the secret to hacking my way out of my horrible behaviors. One was “Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, and Do Work That Matters” by Jon Acuff, and the other “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business” by Charles Duhigg (NOT SPONSORS). I read the first one and am four chapters in the second. They offer great advice as to how to deal with the situations I am currently in, but the crazy thing is: you can lead a horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink, and I’ve been a real thirsty horse who’s not drinking. Apologies for my horrible analogy, but I haven’t been taking the advice and putting it into practice. It’s not because I don’t know how, I know how. For some reason I keep stalling and I need to work on not stalling, those moments of hesitation are killing me. I need to begin again, get back to getting bored and not letting myself go crazy by trying to fill every moment with distractions. I’m going through plans and I’m not exactly sure if they’ll work to get me back to where I want to be, but something is better than nothing, and when those plans fail I’ll have taken one more step to knowing the right path.
I’m gonna go clean my room, then after, study and do my homework. I’ll really do my best to write in my log. It helps me gather my own thoughts, and knowing someone out there in the deep darkness, at least one person, is listening. Knowing that gives me a small push forward.