Captain’s log (Entry 2, Day 4):
This has only been the first couple of days of my journey and I’ve already come across multiple problems. The urge to “calm myself down” is incredibly high, women have become significantly more attractive, and by gods did I mention how hard it is to stop myself from popping open a tab to stare at images of flesh?! I’ve been told that the first week is always the hardest on giving anything up so I just have to keep pushing onward. This ship shall not go down! Once I’m out of this starting phase I can begin to really hit a stride and focus more on making myself better rather than going back to my old ways.
It’s happened, I have felt the hardship of not doing what my mind says it wants to do after so many years of dopamine washing. I’ve been laying down on my bed with my iPad Mini thinking “No one will ever know if I just look at a few pictures of ‘stuff’ or read a couple pages of ‘manga’..”. I had to put down the iPad and think about how I’d be throwing the past 3 days away. Not only will the past 3 days of effort be gone but I’d be training my brain that it’s okay to start again, and that would make my next bout even harder. After struggling with keeping my head busy and away from erotic ideas, it’s been a lot simpler to turn down video games. Video games are great, but I guess not as great as seeing a pair of milk producing lumps of fat on a female human. I have noticed that I have been getting easily frustrated and I know that these things that are frustrating me usually wouldn’t bother me before I started all of this. I think the answer is obvious as to why but I just gotta learn to calm down and realize this is all for the better.
Besides the hardship, struggle, and pain, I’m glad to report that there have been benefits showing up! I have been getting 8 hours of sleep for the past 3 days and it’s been a lot easier to tackle the entire day with a full amount of energy. I wake up at 6 or 7 am feeling refreshed, not dead tired because I went 5 games too many on League of Legends past midnight. It feels a little embarrassing to report, but I have be honest on these posts, it’s been a while but recently I woke up with RAGING morning wood. I consider this a good thing because I hear morning wood is a good sign to a man’s health! I have been exercising and eating a lot more recently after going weeks where I’d only eat about one meal a day. I have been a little more cleanly around the house and I’ve cared a bit more about my appearance.
I took up Kahn Academy to venture into new territories of knowledge but I’ve realized I have to relearn a couple of things. I first decided I want to pick up chemistry because, hey, I should learn the very basic building blocks of everything right? Welp, slow down there compadre, it turns out that I have forgotten some basic principals of math and I had to go back as far as Algebra 1 to strengthen what I thought I knew. I feel a little bad but I know that if I go back and I really make my foundations strong again, anything handed to me in the future will be a lot simpler to overcome! Also I went back to my first article on this blog and I saw a lot of grammatical errors, I’ve decided I’m not going to edit them so that way in the future when I sharpen my writing skills I can look back and see how far I’ve gotten!
I must press on! The future me depends on it! I’ll be reporting back soon with good news I hope!